Behind Blue Eyes
by Katie Day
Summary: A songfic based on "Behind Blue Eyes" concerning Zelgadis and his inner conflict. A little bit of Zel x Lina at the end. Please R&R :)


I don't own Slayers blah blah etc. This is a songfic based off the song "Behind Blue Eyes" which I heard and thought it pegged Zelgadis almost eerily perfect. It's recommended to listen to it while you read it. (Personally I recommend the version done by Limp Bizkit!) This is my first songfic and it has hints at Zel x Lina. Enjoy Please R&R!

BEHIND BLUE EYES  
By Katie Day

The moon was shining particularly bright that evening, a more than perfect reason to stay awake just an hour or two longer. Of course, taking first watch was something Zelgadis did often considering that his comrades were more than eager to get to sleep once their sleeping bags had been rolled out. They didn't even ask him if he wanted to anymore – it was just considered a given that he would. Not that he minded. In fact, he appreciated the quiet and actually preferred looking over the traveling party being quiet for a change. He was even able to stand it when Lina or Gourry began snoring in their deeper slumbers. His eyes focused almost blindly on the fire that lay in the center of their campsite as he sat with a hand on the hilt of his sword.

Silence was calming, but it wasn't always good. It gave him too much time to think. He admitted it was much harder to dwell on his problems when Lina was yelling all the time at Gourry or Amelia was spouting off some inane justice speech. But when things quieted down, his mind drifted back to the same old thoughts - thoughts that would have easily qualified him as a dark and broody fellow. His heart would always sink to the pit of his stomach and rest there helplessly until he finally went to sleep.

_No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes_

Times like this when nothing but the sounds of evening accompanied his memories and thoughts he mused over many things. But as hard as he might try it always came back to one thing. How could he possibly forget? How could he deny anything when his cold, stone skin easily reminded him? How could he forget when he had been reduced to using wire clippers to trim his hair and every time he happened by a mirror at the inns he saw the same thing? Indeed, who could forget when their own warm breath played back against their lips, enclosed by an almost stifling cotton mask? He hated thinking of this thing he saw as himself. There was nothing similar – everything had changed. The only things he had left that he could call his own were his blue eyes. These....these had remained, almost as a mockery. They were the only things he allowed the world to see, though he considered then a painful reminder of what he might never have again....these blue, blue eyes.

_And no one knows  
What it's like to be hated  
To be fated to telling only lies_

And what could he do, having his only human aspect lying in his eyes? There was no way anyone would take the time to look in them and see who he was, trapped inside this rock hard shell. No, he was loathed. If anyone saw him they turned and went at disheartening speeds in the other direction. Even those he might have attempted to confide in had left him stranded before... As much as he was tired of his appearance, he was tired of feeling. Feeling bad about it. Feeling that there might be a chance only to have it ripped from his hands....again. But he knew he couldn't muffle his emotions as much as he might have liked. Many times he had hoped he really could be the "heartless mystical swordsman" or "demon" that he had been called before. There were times he couldn't help but smirk at the sound of it. It meant he was making progress in building his walls up. If they really believed he was so bad, they wouldn't come knocking, would they? No one ventures to the ogre's door. Deep down, maybe he really wasn't so harsh....but no one else needed to know that... it was easier if they didn't.  
  
_But my dreams they aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free_

Still, it wasn't as though he wouldn't have liked to feel again - be able to lift this shroud he had cast over himself to hide insecurities he would never admit to. Given the chance he would have gladly returned to a real life where he could worry about simple things... human things. In the constant flood of nightmares in which he relived his darkening day, there would occasionally be one dream. He would be laying out on the soft grass, letting a warm spring sun warm his soft flesh while the wind caressed his hair.

But then he'd wake up....and almost physically feel his heart withdraw into his chest, encased by this rock hard body and resolve.

So he played the role he was dealt. If people were to consider him a monster, he would be it. There was no point in fighting it. But even amongst his outward indifference and broodiness his heart still continued to beat with human blood through his veins. A very much living and caring heart. He did feel pain. He did feel remorse and guilt. When he'd first came into battle with Lina – he looked over to her now and watched the firelight play over her calm and peaceful face – his cold instincts that he'd built up kicked in and he approached her as a heartless warrior. It was only after the fact, when his knee came crashing into her stomach and he watched her petite little body topple across the ground and smash into the trunk of tree like a rag doll that his heart twinged. For more than a moment's time he felt sorry that he had hit her so hard – having almost forgotten how frail a human body really was since he no longer had one himself.  
  
_No one knows what it's like  
To feel these feelings  
Like I do, and I blame you!  
No one bites back as hard  
On their anger  
None of my pain and woe  
Can show through_

He brought his gloved hand to his face and rubbed it a little bit to clear his head. Rising up, his cape causing a minor breeze that caused the fire to flicker, he stepped out away from the campsite towards the nearby trees. Staying within a comfortable distance of his comrades whom he was protecting, he moved into a sparsely wooded area, drawing his sword with a soft resounding metallic noise. Calmly, he began to swing and practice his maneuvers here in the dark. The anger welling up in his chest and knotting his stomach was always best taken out in practice when there were no battles to be fought. Best to do it while everyone was asleep too – they needn't see him in his fury. That led to too many questions he didn't want to answer. _What's the matter, Zel?_ He'd just shake his head and refuse an answer or dismiss it as nothing.

_Damn Rezo!_ He would repeat in his head as his movements became more fervent. It was his fault! It was his fault for making this happen – for ruining his life! All the pains and seclusion Zelgadis had suffered, he blamed solely on the red priest, who had cursed him with the body in the first place. Wait. That wasn't entirely true. He also blamed himself.... If only he hadn't been so stupid...so naïve in his desire for power! If he hadn't given in to Rezo's offer he wouldn't be in this position either. He yelled out, his voice echoing in the silence as he thrust his sword upward and it became lodged a quarter of the way through a tree trunk. His fingers clutched the hilt even then, squeezing it tightly, until he felt his hands may bleed, and then he released it. Stepping backward almost clumsily, he bumped into another tree and leaned back against it, bringing his hands to his face. He bit down on his tongue, hard, trying to will himself to stop feeling again.

_But my dreams they aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free_

He could feel his anger melting away into something he hated much worse, and most definitely something he didn't want his traveling party to see. His heart swelled in his chest and the feeling came up to choke him, though he continued to knaw his tongue to resist it. _This isn't who I am_. A voice resounded in his head. _Yes, it is!_ He responded to it. No matter who he had been before... they were long gone by now. He had adapted to this new life, as miserable as it was, and that was that. No one wanted him and he didn't want anyone. So why, if he felt so sure of that, did the feeling continue to creep upward, spreading over and taking hold of his heart in a resistive grip.

_No one knows what its like  
To be mistreated, to be defeated  
Behind blue eyes  
No one knows how to say  
That they're sorry and don't worry  
I'm not telling lies_

Then they came. The tears that he dreaded he could no longer hold back. His deep blue eyes welled up and sent forth cold streams down his stone cheeks, making the surface glimmer in the rays of moonlight peeking through the trees. Here it was. That remorse again. Times like this he felt as though he had betrayed himself – who he really felt he was. He felt as though he had betrayed all those who stayed near him by treating them as though he didn't particularly care about them. Sliding down the tree he leaned against, he sat, his cloak forming a sort of beige puddle around his form. He rested one arm on his knees, the other hand brushing up beneath his hair against his eyes. Again he felt himself choke, though he strained to muffle any sound. If he ever managed to cure himself - he soon swore he would apologize to all of them. They wouldn't have to worry about him anymore after that. He would be okay, and for once he wouldn't have to lie about how he was feeling to them – these people who seemed to actually care about him.

But my dreams they aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free

He was startled then, having been so deep in his melancholy reverie to sense anyone approaching. Instinctively he looked up towards where the sound was coming from, before even thinking to pull up his hood and hide the proof of his emotional state. To his horror, Lina stood there only about two feet from where he sat and the look on her face told him she'd seen it. Lina didn't look concerned all that often – he'd learned it was part of her own façade. She put on a confident and careless front to mask any sort of insecurities or worries she may have had. Whether this was for her own benefit or to make others feel better he was unsure. But when Lina looked concerned, it was genuine. Instantly he felt like disappearing. He didn't want this attention. He didn't want her sympathy.

But one thing Zel admitted about Lina was that, no matter how tactless she was about everything else, she handled him quite appropriately. She treated him like any other friend, and never focused on his moodiness or trying to fix it. She was content to see him smile now and again, to have made him laugh for the first time. His demeanor never seemed to bother her much in general. She didn't pry....much anyway. So Lina lived up to her usual tactics even now, with that truly sympathetic look brushed over her sweet little features. She didn't say anything, didn't ask him what was the matter, and simply approached him, coming to sit beside him against the tree.  
_  
No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man, to be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes._

After a couple of tries he finally managed to clear his throat enough to speak without sounding affected, though his tone was kept quiet to be careful.  
"You're up surprisingly early," he said. He'd almost thought to add a witty little quip about how there was no food cooking or no money jangling for her to be up for, but somehow he didn't feel like it. Besides, it was a little rude when he considered it. Lina had been looking forward while he spoke but she turned her head and looked at him with her crimson eyes, a hand rested on one of her knees. After a moment her hand slipped over to his resting at his knee and took it in her own. Zel glanced at her at this, though he didn't particularly fight it, leaving his hand limp. Lina laced her fingers with his and wrapped them around the hand.

"Not a very restful night," she replied simply. Zel watched her momentarily with wet eyes, almost forgetting there were tear stains on his face. He still felt a bit childish, sitting here like this, but he didn't feel as embarrassed as he usually might have been. They sat for a moment, while Zelgadis' heart flipped flopped about inside him, not sure how to feel now. He almost felt comfortable but the sadness still welled up there. Thankfully, the tears had stopped and no more came while Lina was in his presence.

After a moment Lina moved to get up, but kept her hand firmly on his. Moving around she came to stand, bent in front of him. Again he caught her eyes with his own and she gave a tug to the hand she held, offering to help him up. With a little reluctance he came to his feet, gripping her hand now, but gently.

Looking down at Lina he would have normally mused at how short she really was in comparison. Unexpectedly, she tugged his hand again and brought him closer, sliding her arms around his form and lightly rubbing his back. Zel stood a moment, even more confused about what to do, but again he felt his heart swell and instinctively brought his hands upward. He wanted so badly to return this embrace, but he hesitated, his fingertips lightly touching her back. Lina hugged him a little tighter and spoke quietly, using her playful and almost teasing tone.

"It's okay, I won't tell anyone," she said with a soft chuckle, resting her forehead against his shoulder a little bit. Zelgadis listened to her words and brought his arms up around her form, instantly enjoying the feeling of her warmth in the embrace. He closed his eyes and took in the entire atmosphere of the moment, then eventually leaned down and rested his own forehead against her shoulder. He had to hunch a little to do so but he didn't particularly care at the moment as he tugged her close. A couple more, small tears welled up in his eyes and slipped out against her pink tunic.

"You better not," he spoke softly, a bit of the emotion showing in his voice, but also a slight bit of his own playfulness that he didn't play on too often. Lina smiled a bit and chuckled softly against his shoulder, as she continued to stroke his back. Zel let himself submerge in her presence and let it cloud everything else in his mind. To be human again....to be able to feel like this.... If not for himself...then for her.


End file.
